Unnecessary Suspicions

July 22, 2008 – 2:30 pm by terri

I wonder what it must feel like, and be like, to live in suspicion and judgement and fear all the time? It must be really hard work making sure people and circumstance don’t get the better of you. Personally, I’m sure I have better things to do with my time and energy, like laugh, love, play, experiment, experience, investigate and expand my being human.

I teach NLP and charge half what everyone else does. Someone asked me what is wrong with my self-esteem. Someone had told them that you get what you’re worth and your self-esteem can be measured by your paycheck. I told them that when I was first learning, I struggled so much to find the money to go on all the courses, and many of the people I knew earned so little they could never afford the trainings they so desperately wanted and needed. So the happy and well paid are able to get even happier and better paid, while those at the bottom find it so terribly difficult to get themselves up to a higher place. My heart is in sharing what I know and sharing all that I have learned with those who need it most, not necessarily with those who can afford to boost my self esteem.

I wonder, what does it do a person to carry all that fear and suspicion around in their minds and bodies? Imagine living in fear all the time trying to get as much as you can, worrying about what people think of you, expecting people to do you in and rip you off, violate your claims to importance, and take your precious things away? What kind of quality of life is that?
If I valued all the things I create and write and own so much that I lived in fear of losing them, I’d sooner give them all away. I own the mountains, the moon, the sun, the sea, the beach and every thing I see. No one can take it away from me unless they lock me up in a dark room, and even then, I could see it all in my mind. I also own my ability to create again. I live on the earth and it cannot go away and leave me behind. I live amongst all the beautiful people on it, and no one can take them all away. I walk out the house, and there they always are, there everything always is. As long as I am alive, what could I possibly lose?

I was married to paraplegic once, a wonderful man. When I left him, he got together with friends and organized the best and most expensive lawyer in the town. When I told him he could have everything, our business, the house, the car, all the furniture, our pensions, saving, investments and anything else I’ve forgotten to mention, he was visibly shocked. You see, his friends all told him what woman do in a divorce, how they take everything and demand unreasonable amounts of maintenance etc.. and so he thought best to prepare himself for the slaughter. All I wanted was my kids, my clothes and my freedom. I even offered him my diamond engagement ring back, which he grabbed without question. We are still friends to this day.

When I first began my training company, the training staff (or more accurately, team members) I hired asked to draw up contracts. They were so afraid of being ripped of or taken for a ride and wanted stuff in black and white. I told them to collect the money themselves and deposit into the bank account and give me a cheque for my share. They thought I must be mentally unstable to trust them so explicitly. Then they fretted about copywriting the course material that I wrote. I told them they could have it and leave and start up in competition with me if they wanted to, because if I didn’t earn their loyalty and love, and if working with me wasn’t fun, enriching and enjoyable, then obviously they should leave. They were stunned and delighted and we worked happily together for years after that.

I intend to experience so much more of life and of planet earth. I intend to experience being human and I suspect there is very much more to it than I have as yet encountered. I want and need to run free and play and laugh and experiment and find out what else there is to learn and do and accomplish. I cannot afford to be afraid of anything or I’d lock myself up behind security and wait in fear for 50 years to die, hoping no one hurts me or takes away my trivial trinkets in the meantime, knowing full well that when I die, I leave them behind anyway.

By Terri Ann Laws